If only it were true

[plaicemat]

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

 

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

 

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

 

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

 

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

 

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."

 

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks.

 

"I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

 

But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

"No," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd

been summoned for an audit, he bet me