Aussie flight announcements

[plaicemat]

You'd never catch English pilots having this kind

of sense of humour. I like number 7

 

 

Too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an

effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and

their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are

some real examples that have been heard or reported :-

 

(1) On a Flight to NZ with a very "senior"

flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and

gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and

to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

(2) On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure

to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave

anything, please make sure it's something we'd like

to have."

 

(3) "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,

but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."

 

(4) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at

Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

(5) After a particularly rough landing during

thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas

flight announced, "Please take care when opening the

overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,

sure as hell everything has shifted!"

 

(6) From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard

Qantas Flight X to Y. To operate your seat belt, insert the

metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just

like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how

to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised."

 

(7) "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin

pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop

screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you

have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with

more than one small child, pick your favourite.

 

(8) "Weather at our destination is 32 degrees

with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them

fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody

loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."

 

(9) "Your seat cushions can be used for

flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing,

please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."

 

(10) Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard

landing in Hobart.

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,

"That was quite bumpy and I know what you are all

thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it

wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the

asphalt!"

 

(11) Another flight attendant's comment on a less

than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain

Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

(12) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular

flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to

stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and

give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said

that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time

looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone

would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady

walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask

you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"

said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old

lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

 

(13) After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the

Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,

please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew

have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the

gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning

bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick

your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

 

(14) Part of a flight attendant's arrival

announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for

flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane

urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal

tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."

 

(15) A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After

it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made

an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and

gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight

Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather

ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and

uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - "SHIT!

ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few

minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you

earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant

brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my

lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger

in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the

back of mine!"

 

Terry.