Building Regs
In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
> >> > England and said,
> >> >
> >> > "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
> >>
> >> > the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of
> >> > every living thing along with a few good humans."
> >> >
> >> > He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
> >>
> >> > Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
> >> >
> >> > Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
> >> > yard-but no Ark.
> >> >
> >> > "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
> >> >
> >> > "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.
> >> >
> >> > I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the
> >> > Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
> >> >
> >> > My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission
> >> > for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the
> >> > site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
> >> >
> >> > We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision."
> >> >
> >> > Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
> >> > future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
> >> > clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the
> >>
> >> > sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
> >> >
> >> > Getting the wood was another problem.
> >> >
> >> > All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live
> >>
> >> > in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect
> >> > the spotted owl.
> >> >
> >> > I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
> >> > save the owls - but no go!
> >> >
> >> > When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.
> >> >
> >> > They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
> >> >
> >> > They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel
> >> > and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
> >> >
> >> > Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers
> >> > Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
> >> > an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
> >> >
> >> > I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
> >> > Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my
> >>
> >> > building team.
> >> >
> >> > The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
> >> >
> >> > They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building
> >> > experience.
> >> >
> >> > To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets,
> >> > claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered
> >> species.
> >> >
> >> > So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
> >> > finish this Ark."
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
> >> > stretched across the sky.
> >> >
> >> > Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
> >> > destroy the world?"
> >> >
> >> > "No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."
> >> >
> >> >