Graham Nash Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 (edited) An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...... * * * * * 'Bugger off'. she said, 'they're for the funeral.' Edited July 28, 2011 by Graham Nash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graham Nash Posted July 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Here's something to think about I recently registered with a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,.. 'So, why do you even care to live to 80 then .....? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graham Nash Posted July 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?' 'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach.' 'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose. 'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!' 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the Twist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graham Nash Posted July 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.' 'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?' Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.' 'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?' Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the ....... nice gentleman a long time .' If this one breaks any rules I apologise (and accept if it gets removed) but I thought it was so good I just had to share it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jsplace Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Haha! I remember my dad telling me that one over 20 years ago! Still a classic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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