To brighten your day.

[Brian]

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed off with you.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

 

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

 

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

 

8. I decided to change the name for the bathroom from "the John" and renamed it "the Jim." I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

 

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

 

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.