great white Posted October 10, 2011 Report Share Posted October 10, 2011 The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. ________________________________________ My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff." ________________________________________ The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, " Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality." ________________________________________ Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it." The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!" ________________________________________ Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." ________________________________________ Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AHoy Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks Charlie, just what I needed, made I larf out loud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 Try this lot then ! ! ! The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Don't do that" says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you." She said "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied "It's me talking to the beer." My wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said I should prepare for the worst. So I have been down to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't exactly what I thought it was. Jim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duncan F (bathclaret) Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 Excellent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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