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A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.” “Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?” “Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.” “Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?” “Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.” “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously. “Well…” said the old sea dog, ” it was me first day with the hook.”

Be CAREFUL This is for all of you 70 + year-olds, and those of us closing in on the "Golden Years". This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts. I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know all the facts.

The Missing Wife The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers. "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers. "Tell me...did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked. The Mounties looked at each other. Then one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?" The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Don't blame me Brian started it

Rugby tickets England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

Two sailors are talking: Sailor A: “I hear fish is good brain food.” Sailor B: “Yeah, I eat it all the time.” Sailor A: “Well, there goes another theory!”

Aaaaaahhh..........cabin fever !!!

I worry that Brian reacted to this one😂😂😂😂

Dear President Putin Save yourself billions of roubles, don't bother developing super-cruise missiles, send us two days of your winter weather and about 3" of snow, ............. it has much the same effect and paralyses the UK