gjb

Paddy says to Mick,"I'm getting circumcised tomorrow." Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old." Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?" Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 18months.."

​ The teacher was telling an infant class about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough........"

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour. The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal. The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request. Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew. The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen. The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast. The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ." His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

Is this not why they are called checkers by some ? graham

A gas station owner in Tennessee was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

Nursing home test During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound Mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Hi Jim Thanks for the thought but the wind is supposed to get stronger as the morning goes on so you need to as you say get on with it earlier so hopefully not encounters of the choppy kind good luck graham

Sorry can't make it for that time hope all goes well and look forward to the video graham

Arrived is for posh people so they turned up

I have done that before and the police came

Well 1st service done to outboard AIS fitted and new VHF all we need now is the weather to play ball, keep getting new toys but can't play with them and I love gadgets graham

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess" I said.

1 - Joint Venture - Aquafish 28 2 - Madness - Rodman 870 3 - Orca - Explorer Elite. (hopefully) 4 - Sea Dream - Alaska 500 5 - Wishin Too - Osprey 24 (subject to date/hols 6 - Reflections 2 - Ryds 600AC 7 - Reel Magic offshore 29 8 - Foxy Fisher 111 Parker 770 (hopefully)

Jim Is this the new Tiddler

Hi Jim Any time and if you want to bring the other half that's fine just give me a call and we will work out a date Graham

Well if anyone wants to come out on Foxy Fisher they are welcome graham

Happy birthday Jim for a man of 28 you're looks are letting you down a bit but I know you have had a hard life have a really great day Graham

????? sorry don't understand look it up and maybe you will understand

Icom Commandmic HM-195B in box with 20ft Cable and fitting kit Icom Commandmic HM-162E no box or kit puts your VHF out on deck offers

And theres me thinking you were a fruit and nut Jim

I am a bit of a knife freak I love the workmanship, so I have hand made and top notch ones hence 20 +, one made by the kill bill sword maker I have been collecting for 30 years so enjoy something well made and fit to do the job

Good luck to all

W