gjb

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. joke pope beggar The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him. Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"

Sincere condolences Graham

Jenny, a blonde girl, came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. ... The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good, Jenny," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36DDs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."

sorry should not have done this one graham

So when will it start for me I'm only 65

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!' "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."

Two Greens voters are filling up at a petrol station, and the first Greenie says to the second, “I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher.” The second Greenie replies, “Won’t affect me, I always put in just $10 worth.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day, a Greenie’s husband came home from the office and found his wife, Christine Milne, sobbing convulsively. “I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” “Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit.” “Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did,” Christine said, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Greenies were walking down the road and the first one said to the other Greenie, Adam Bandt, “Look at that dog with one eye!” Adam covers one of his eyes and says, “Where?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Greenie decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her Greenie friend, Sarah Hanson-Young, from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. “Sarah,” she said, “how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?” “Ten,” said Sarah. So the Greenie bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had two rolls leftover. “Sarah,” she said, “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two leftover!” “Yes,” said Sarah. “So did I.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Greenie, Richard Di Natalie, bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our Greenie friend was stuck again. The neighbor then suggested that he notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our Greenie friend Richard couldn't tell the two horses apart. The neighbor then suggested that he measure the horses for height. When he did that, Richard was very pleased to find that the white horse was two inches taller than the black one. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Greenie Interview The executive was interviewing a Greenie, Bob Brown, for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?” Bob quickly responded, “The living one." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mostly old, but a few new – to me anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!" Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” "Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening." The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Richard Holes Bay Marine

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'mgunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.' Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some Floe resant orange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.' The third lady says, Well, I ain’t gonna wear no panties... What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da black box first'

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh", said the TV presenter." This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?? " "Sticks " said Paddy.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered."On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the $#!^ out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2am and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late". The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?". The man replied, "That would be my wife".

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . . "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... ….that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

This is Great Britain.........now and via a timewarp........then 1805, somewhere off the coast of Spain ....... Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir." Nelson: "In that case.............................. kiss me, Hardy."

Paddy says to Mick,"I'm getting circumcised tomorrow." Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old." Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?" Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 18months.."

figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected. Winston Churchill loved them. Some examples: 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research. 8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency' - notify: I put 'DOCTOR.' 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy. 11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory. 13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it. 15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car. 17. Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now. And my personal favourite: I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

Hi am I right in thinking I would have screen up when using the autopilot with plotter then change to other preset screens when done with ?? so autopilot controls are at hand at all times while being used graham

hi Mal i quite agree my last one was on it's own but with this one you can set up the screen so you have it up the time you are using it so you can have plotter , autopilot , fish finder all on the one screen then change back to what ever you what when you have done with it graham

A Chinese man, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on holiday and enjoying the sights off the 'End of the World Cliffs' in Sagres, Portugal. They are standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff. "Why did you do that?" ask the others. "We have so much money in China that I can afford to do it" says the Chinese man.. "Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France that I can afford to do it." The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says….. "Don't you f***ing dare!"

I am looking at the Lowrance to match my plotter Chris at Platinum Marine did all my work a few years ago very good I had Raymarine on the last boat so I think he will supply and fit this one graham

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub." "What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again, "With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .................. "What the **** would they want with a plasterer?"

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting. One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, > the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. 'The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. > If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.

She's single. She's shapely. She's beautiful and she lives right across the road.I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the road, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time,dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?" I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!" "Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?" Being a senior citizen really sucks!