gjb

Stick with Blokes cost less in the end

Like all blokes I need a bow thruster

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen". God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?" Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American." God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?" Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, I have a daughter, SLIM & TALL 40 D BUST 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS When she walks into a room, people say, 'JESUS!'

Lighten up your day, read this. DOG FOR SALE : A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

Irish Vasectomy After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ... The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania

A Wave Of The Future A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil and monetary assistance. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%. A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. God Bless the lower ranks. Sounds right to me!

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their Home -brand burgers. Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers. Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK. Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet … “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened! Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh? Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle. Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way! Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit between my teeth. A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable. Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF" Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots.... "To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian"..... A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!" I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres. These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.... Talk about flogging a dead horse!

full grain leather boots never worn size 11 cost me £340.00 will sale £160.00 fully waterproof

I am afraid there comes a time when you can't blame the beer

About this time of the year, older taxpayers in the UK will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment? A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely: * If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg *If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein *If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland. * If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco. * If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria * If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea * If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany or Japan. * If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore Instead, keep the money in the UK by: 1. Spending it at car boot sales 2. Going to night clubs 3. Spending it on call girls 4. Buying cider, beer or scotch 5. Getting yourself a Tattoo 6. Visiting a bookie (These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.) Conclusion: Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do. No need to thank me... Just glad I could be of help.

nothing like a clean bottom on your best girl as my grandad told me you look after them and they will look after you

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir?" Shocked I answered "yes". They said " I am afraid it looks like she has been hit by a bus". I said I know, but she has a lovely personality

John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, John got so frustrated that he went up to Her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me Have sex with you. But the girl said NO. John said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on The floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the Time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have To consult her boyfriend... So she called her Boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his Girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and Asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!' Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Church Ladies With Typewriters They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- And this one just about sums them all up: The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Gone With the Wind President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off and right into the water. It blew off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated on top of the water. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to retrieve it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it." The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed back into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless, the security team, and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. That afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all covered the story. Their banner headlines read, "TRUMP CAN’T SWIM.

figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected. Winston Churchill loved them. Some examples: 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research. 8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency' - notify: I put 'DOCTOR.' 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy. 11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory. 13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it. 15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car. 17. Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now. And my personal favourite: I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

When we had a beach hut at Dunster beach near Minehead I had a license for fixed engine I fished it for 10 years when on my hols but at night 2-3 in the morning if was a long walk out and easy to get lost but with good fortune had a few fish doing it the way I did you were never going to wipe out the Bristol channel and fished off my mates charter boat Fulmar his name is Steve Pilbrow he's still there graham

Greenie Revenge Australia’s ‘Chief Woman Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist’, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State Forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site. In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters. The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, “What took you so long?” “Well...” replied the doctor, “I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove “old growth timber” from a “recreational area” . . . I’m sorry but they all turned me down.”

Time to sell the boat getting to political find a new hobby

If anyone see's this bloke tell him he forgot to leave all i asked for ,or the wife become Jewish

Well Jim i now no you have been to places others have not,and you are a dead ringer for Capt Kirk and by the sound of what you taken out I don't think we want too merry Christmas Jim

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested..' So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.' Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.' Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.' Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.. 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.' There! That should upset just about everybody!!....