plaicemat

Put me down too. Terry.

I've had two of these reels for the last two years, one has survived. From choice, I'd go for the Abu's. Terry.

Presumably you have as you've placed this in the Jokes section! Terry.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, travel a lot, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a toss?" Terry.

Mind you, I can see the RNLI adopting the inflatable lobster as a rescue craft, it would certainly stand out, especialy with twin 115hp Mercury's on the back! Terry.

Officials like that always blow things up out of proportion. Terry.

Their equivalent to the police chasing motorists instead of real policing. Gets results onto the book thus pushing up their 'targets'. Terry.

Just take your old board with you, Gordon, and they will match it. Then just cut to length, add end caps and, Robert is most definitely, your uncle. Terry.

If you have any trouble getting it, let me know. Terry.

Gordon, you can buy it cheaper from any plastics company that supply for the domestic trades, i.e. replacement windows, barge boards, cladding, etc. You may have to buy an 8ft or 10ft section but this is still cheaper than Halfords, etc. Make sure you get some end caps, these are held in place with Superglue which you should buy from the same place. You get about 200ml for the same price that those silly little dispensers cost. Terry.

Many happy returns, Jimbob; I assume you'll be out fishing somewhere on your day. Terry.

Just a cautionary note on the use of Smart Tabs. A while ago, just for the hell of it, I executed a really tight turn with plenty of power before cruising slowly up to my chosen spot for fishing. When I came to move on, I found I couldn't get the boat to come up onto the plane; in fact, it was trying to bury it's nose. After having limped back to the slipway, I removed the boat and examined everything for the cause and at that stage could find nothing wrong. I then worked out that I could get the boat up onto the plane if I trimmed the engine out but this was not ideal and in any case, there was still a lot of 'drag' which cut the speed down and, I suspect, the fuel economy. Having now checked a little more deeply, I find that one of the tabs is working fine but the other one is considerably stiffer, obviously causing a braking effect. This is the one on the inside of the tight turn which caused some internal damage to the gas actuator. Having replaced this component, all is well again. Mad Mike will be relieved, he thought it was his added weight that was causing the problem. Cancel the diet foods, Mike! Terry.

Why don't you try one of our advertisers, Jack; depending on your start time, you can collect from their houses. I find Alec very obliging and if you're too late for him in the morning, he'll leave them at the fishing shack on the harbour for you.

Could it be that the skipper of Channel Chieftain has a commercial licence, purely so he can sell any surplus catch? If this were the case, then I can see why he had been boarded and checked. Terry.

He obviously still hadn't comprehended the difference between host family and servant and master. I'm sure you were able to introduce him to his, obviously, steep learning curve. Terry.

That'll be why I haven't had one then! Terry.

I've been a member for about 3 years now, Bob, and I've never had a card; didn't even know there was such a thing until this thread started. If you could post mine I would really be obliged as, living in Oxfordshire, I cannot guarantee getting to meetings. I will, of course, willingly re-imburse the postage costs. Terry.

Happy birthday Mike; do you remember it's your birthday? Has your carer reminded you? Sorry I couldn't get you get an early present yesterday. I did try. Guess what we've got for supper tonight. Terry.

Actually, I've never had a membership card either. Terry.

Perhaps you can help, Paul. It just tells me I can't use those sort of files even though I've reduced them in size. What else? Terry.

Sorry, couldn't work out how to insert pictures. Probably for the best! They were amusing though. Terry.

Have you ever considered that our own HSE actually conspire to ensure that our manufacturers lose out to foreign competition? They always go too far when there is often a simpler and cheaper alternative. Terry.

I'm out on Friday but launching from Wick, I'm afraid. Another time, perhaps. Terry.

We haven't had any for a while so here's one to get your teeth into For those of you who have visited Natal, you know how typical this is! They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all the beer. CHILI # 4 - BABOOS BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY... Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *ss with a snow cone ice cream. CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - NAIDOOS TOENAIL CURLING CURRY... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry? Judge # 3 - No Report Terry.

Doesn't get in the brake drums, though! And don't mention the rain, you swine! Terry.