Brian

I can't find anything on the IFCA site.

If she's admitted driving in on purpose, her insurance won't pay up.

Happy Birthday Mal

I took the survey and the result was 25% UKIP, 75% BNP.

What sort of size are they?

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a very busy man." "But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old woman. The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, "You're in luck this morning, he will see you," and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America. When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, "How can I help you?" She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed the bag of money on his desk. "How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously. "$180,000, if you please," and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?" The old lady coyly replied, "I make bets." Surprised, the president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing. "Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square." The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand. The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay." He then said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands."

A YOUNG COUPLE WANTED TO JOIN THE CHURCH, The priest told them, ”We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month" . The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. “You are back so soon...Is there a problem?” the priest inquired. “We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month”. The young man replied sadly. The priest asked him what happened. “Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat”, admitted the man, shamefacedly. The priest lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church." "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Homebase, either."

Looked odd as England appear to have more points.

And another member gets his mug shot in BFM.

Just opened November's Boat Fishing Monthly and there was George smiling at me. I assume they've made a mistake with the Youth points.

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.... Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.' Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff!!..

Have you got the option of Virgin? They've just upgraded to Upto 100Mb and I'm consistently getting 49Mb download and 6.2Mb upload, wireless.

Brilliant report George, well done and good luck for the future.

How about tomorrow afternoon?

I'm only in Upton, I could drop it in to Willis Way if you like. I'll probably forget by the next meeting.

Hi Chris. Will do. Brian

Anyone got a use for this, it's unused and surplus to requirements. Yours for a donation to HOW.