Brian

Drafting Guys Over 65. This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 65! I am over 65 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18 year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends... in big type so they can read it.

Thanks Steve, looks as though I'm sorted, just got to get to Martin's to collect.

Just proves what we've always known, there are lots of idiots about. What do they think they're going to live on, or do they expect to find a Tesco's Express and a McDonalds? It'll probably never happen, but you've got to admire the salesmen. I'm going to start selling tickets to Saturn, £10,000 each, please form an orderly queue.

Hi Martin Any chance I could collect it tomorrow?

My thoughts exactly.

Not exactly a Catch Report, although if things had gone to plan, hopefully it would have been. My grandson Thomas wanted to go fishing today, so we thought we'd try for some flounders. Went to Wessex Angling for some worms and then headed to Rockley, that's where things started to go wrong. First the road was blocked by a crane lifting a caravan into position, so thought I could find a way around, well after driving up and down various narrow roads between caravans I ended up back where I started. So decided to do something that is apparently out of character for a bloke, I asked directions, followed them and it was easy. What else could possibly go wrong, well as I rounded the corner to go down towards the boat park I could see that Jenkins Marine were dredging where the boats are lifted in. Asked in the office and there are no boat lifts this week. So plan B, back home to change the boat rods for beach and off to Evening Hill, by the time we got there the blue sky and sunshine had given way to clouds and what felt like a few degrees drop in temperature. We sat it out for about three hours gradually getting colder and colder and then with the tide ebbing and nothing showing any interest in our bait, we decided we might as well go home and warm up. Ah well things have got to be better next time.!!!!!

Can anyone help. My sister is producing an Amateur Dramatic play and is after a short length of thick rope. Minimum 3ft long by 1" Dia. She only wants it until 7th March, then is happy to return it.

I've just been given a book, should I be offended?

My son-in-law might have one, as granddaughter has grown out of it, he'll check tomorrow.

Looks familiar, but can't quite put a name to him.

Another U-turn. http://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/news/11781844.Fishing_and_yachting_trump_seahorses__rules_Defra__as_marine_conservation_status_put_on_hold/

Bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles". The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know" "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b***s.There's no point you coming in for that."

Don was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ’pullets’, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Don's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Don's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Don was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

Happy Birthday Paul.

Thanks Richard, records updated.

Hi Richard I see in your profile that your boat is named Sheer Bliss, I assume you've sold Albatross. So I can update the club records, what make. model and length is Sheer Bliss? Regards Brian

72km of net and we thought Poole Bay was bad. !!!!