plaicemat

I'm thinking of a foray to Weymouth over the next couple of weeks. Is anyone willing to share with me the whereabouts of the mussel beds? Terry.

This one should be more obvious Terry.

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it', said Colin. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again, Colin said no. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?' Colin said, "I want the bastard who pushed me in".' Terry.

Obvious; BASS! Have a great day Dean, although you're probably already out celebrating. Terry.

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up ' Oh! And another thing

I'm probably talking out of my butt but I would have thought that something flat would be limited in the amount of charging about it could do. Unlike a big eel, for instance! Terry.

I had that problem and sorted it with a signal booster, bought from B&Q. I'm assuming she already has a digital style aerial. Terry.

So, was it in use or being 'transported' in the rod holder? Terry.

Well spotted! Unusual for a polititian to make such an clear and unambiguous statement like that. Very refreshing and very reassuring. Hopefully now our polititians will take this on board and that will be the last we hear of such silliness. Terry.

However..................this is not going to stop anything that is going on now as there is already legislation to stop recreational anglers from taking large numbers of fish and selling them. This has proved to be ineffective (as could be seen from a TV item regarding chinese 'poachers') and is not implemented so why would any new regulation be imposed any more vigorously? I'm not trying to be contentious, just pragmatic. It seems to be the custom these days just to keep passing legislation which it is not possible to enforce; if it is not going to be enforced then it is bad legislation. Wouldn't it be better, if impractical, to have more fishery officers enforcing the laws that are already in place? This is unlikely to happen as making laws and rules costs nothing but enforcing them does. If authority can be seen to be doing something, no matter how ineffective, they convince themselves that people think they are doing their job. Hey! We're not fooled. Terry.

Ah, I'm enlightened! Thank you. Terry.

Well, I know you lot don't care but Oxfordshire and especially West Oxfordshire appears to be cut off. A34 completely blocked, A40 and most local roads. So, on with the chains for my luncheon meeting. Terry.

I know I'm going to regret this but, who is John Terry? Terry Terry.

Many happy returns, Tom. 38 eh! Surely it's more than that? Have a good one. Terry.

That was the reason for trying, Charlie; I'd spent years having to listen to his tales of daring-do that I wanted to have my moment. He's actually RAF but on frequent secondment to the various 'special' branches. Terry.

Think of your folks, Tom. I had to take Dilys to school this morning and it's still snowing. Good oh! I've got the chains in the back of the Disco and will be going out to play when I collect Dilys. Terry.

Which reminds me of an occassion about 10 years ago in February when I was on the top of Cairngorm in horizontal snow. A friend who used to help me with my groups in the mountains was an instructor of special forces troops in parachuting and mountain stuff. As such, he was a bit of a superman who would jump small peaks before breakfast. In an effort to impress, I called him on his mobile which was answered after a delay and I duly informed him what my situation was. He just said to be careful and that he had to go as he was on the Irish sea in a kayak with a group of marines and they had the snow as well. Bugger! What does one have to do to look good? Terry

Have a good day, Mark, this is a landmark one. Although you're probably out floating in your kayak somewhere. Terry.

A very happy day to you, Martin, we are sharing it with you in spirit. Cheers! Terry & Dilys.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' Mike continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.' Terry.

I've resisted for a while but it's been a long time since I've been fishing. A man went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his 'buddy' sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?' With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse' Sorry. Terry.

I have a Cobra Marine MR75 EU which was on my boat but which I had problems with; I had a clicking noise when I keyed the mike. This was checked out professionally and the only explanation come up with was that it was a conflict with something on the boat. I have moved the aerial to the opposite side of the boat with a new radio and all is now fine. If you would like to try it on your boat and it works o/k, it's yours for

Many happy returns, Gordon. 50, ah I remember it well, I was the same age at the time. Terry.

In which case I'll go back into hibernation until something interesting arrives. Terry.

Right, that's me back from the sunny, snowy slopes of Austria. Had a fabulous Christmas and New Year with good skiing and only minor injuries; the knee will definitely have to be looked at now. Back to the old grind tomorrow, I suppose. Any cod left? Terry.